I am gentle, loving and kind by a fault.
I play guitar. I'm extroverted and friendly. I love tea, sushi, Pink Floyd, 1000 thread count sheets, thunderstorms and making people feel good about themselves. I practice Buddhist principles and do not partake in any mind-altering substances. I love spirituality and religion, but not necessarily the people involved. I have depression and an eating disorder but it does not define me. I constantly strive to live a healthy fulfilling life.
• You don’t care about your weight
• Your weight is irrelevant
• You deserve to eat
• Actually, you have to eat
• You’re allowed to eat “too much” but you’re definitely not allowed to eat too little
• People don’t look at you and wonder why you’ve gained weight or gotten bigger
• Because in fact they haven’t noticed at all
• It’s all in your head, they don’t give a damn
If there are two wishes I have had recently it is to
1. Be thin
2. Have a sizable amount of money.
then I think I’d be done with all this shit. i know, bad thinking but i think it all the time. I have to walk through the clothes department and it’s sad that I can’t fit into all the cute stuff I see. The “Macy Women” department aka the fat girls clothes, are sometimes nice, but very expensive. I’m glad there are a few stores that carry cute stuff, but still…I would love to have a wider range of what I can look at. I know I could do something about it. I just ned to turn my sulking into something more productive.
People starving when tons of unsold food is thrown away globally because people couldn’t afford to purchase the food, that’s violence.
People dying and going bankrupt to pay for their healthcare, that’s violence.
People being evicted from their homes when there are more houses than there are houseless people, that’s violence.
This is so important.
Had a moment this week that was not good. The night before I was up binging of course, and then I didn’t eat anything the next day. I have an hiatial hernia, for various reasons, and I have bad acid reflux if I don’t watch it. It is like pure acid burning in your esophagus and into your throat. It is incredibly painful. It usually happens when I’m sleeping, and I wake up choking it on it. I do take some medication for it and it seems to help for a little while.
I’m at work, adjusting a few things on a shelf and all of a sudden it was like Mt. Vesuvius in my throat and I had no idea. I drank the rest of the water and went to the breakroom to get more water. I chewed two pieces of trident but that didn’t work. I went into the bathroom and tried vomit all it up but that was just worse. I finally called my boss and asked him if I could leave, and then asked a sweet lady at Chanel to close my register. She has a hernia there and understands.
Now here’s where things get weird. I had such bad a night once that I read online you’re supposed to take 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar. I thought it was crazy but it WORKS. It’s insane how well it works. So now I have to figure out how to carry vinegar to work! But I’m wondering what it’s doing to my teeth.
The worst thing is tasting what your digestive juices taste like. It’s like soap. It reminds me some crap I had to drink before some x-ray or CT scan I had. It’s disgusting.
No binging for a while, although, I did have 4-5 times the potion I should have had. :\
"You look good, like you’ve lost a bit of weight"
Now the person that said this to me today is a very nice, genuine lady I work with and she’s very sweet. I am sure she was just trying to say something positive to me. BUT…I was wearing a shirt that fit me different and I didn’t have binge bloat. So I will say, with this exception, that it just makes me feel so weird when someone says that to me. Like, “hey I know you’re fat but you’ve lost some of that weight and that’s great!” I don’t know. It’s just a weird thing to say to someone. Why can’t you just say, “hey, you look beautiful today!”
I am binging tonight. I don’t have to work tomorrow, I have some yummies in the freezer and I’m staying up late. I know it’s bad. Right now I don’t care.
I think I posted about it yesterday, but what is with the sub for my psych nurse doing when he changed my meds from 1mg Klonopin at night, 15 prn for 30 days, and he changes it to 1mg twice a day. What??? Not that I’m arguing about it because I could use it during my panic attacks at night, but I’m wondering if he looked at my chart and thought okay, this bitch be crazy, lets up the dose?