I am gentle, loving and kind by a fault.
I play guitar. I'm extroverted and friendly. I love tea, sushi, Pink Floyd, 1000 thread count sheets, thunderstorms and making people feel good about themselves. I practice Buddhist principles and do not partake in any mind-altering substances. I love spirituality and religion, but not necessarily the people involved. I have depression and an eating disorder but it does not define me. I constantly strive to live a healthy fulfilling life.
You have the option to be cremated and turned into a vinyl record full of your favorite music?
i’m not going to join the black parade
i’m going to become the black parade
Your memory will carry on
I JSUT SCREAMED HOLY SH IT
guess whos getting cremated and turned into a vinyl of the booty song
REST IN VINYL
IM SO PSYCED TO DIE
Still having my binging episodes, but some nights like tonight I don’t. But lately I’ve been having a few of those nights where I search the house high and low for more and more to eat. I’ve been trying to smoke an e-cig to keep my appetite in check, but the stupid cheap thing I bought is not working, so I’m getting tempted to eat. i’m also having a very tough time eating during the day. I don’t eat all day because I’m sleeping, then I eat half a protein bar before work, then usually junk when I come home and more junk after husband goes to bed. I need to get back to drinking my tea, enjoying the nicotene a bit, and relaxing. Speaking of relaxing, I am giving up having my gel nails filled every two weeks so I can pay to get massages. I am trying to get my body healthy and I am learning that just like everything else in life, you need to take baby steps. My baby step is getting my sedentary ass used to standing and walking around for hours. By the time I’m done with work and I get into my car and the seat warms up I just want to melt right into the floor. I bought a deep shiatsu foot massage machine to use after work and it’s awesome. But after my massage today I found out that I have a lot of fluids stuck in my body. Of course I do! I also have a lot of trigger point pain, thanks to Fibro, that I didn’t even know was going on. So I joined a membership and am getting weekly massages for the next 6 weeks to get my body detoxed and in shape for being more productive and letting it be a body in motion. Down the line this will help me for exercising when I want to. Weekly massages, rest, LOTS of lemon water and I’m going to try to get some fresh eucalyptus for the shower.
As far as food, I have made the decision that I am not going to worry about any kind of “diet” until after the 2nd of January (that’s my Mom’s birthday and we always have Chinese food). This doesn’t give me the right to go wild and eat anything I want, but I’m just not going to fret over what I can and can’t eat. It’s my birthday soon, it’s Thanksgiving, it’s the holidays. Parties, dinners, lots of yummy things to enjoy and I am not going to be the bitch that turns her nose up to everything, but I also don’t want to be the fatty that is stuffing her face full of everything.
I’m not body shaming myself this year. I am accepting my size and buying clothes for myself. I just bought myself a cute-as-fuck teal pea coat, to replace my pink tweed pea coat that looks like it’s been run over by a monster truck. The coat size was not a size I would have liked, but it’s new and I’ve been wanting a new coat for years and finally have the means for it so I went for it. My Mom takes me clothes shopping every year for my birthday and I am not going to feel bad about my size. What HAS made me feel great is this:
These are SO cute. I bought the set with the black. I knew husband would find them sexy, and I got the matching Ahh bras to go with. The bras are not very supportive to my big chest, but they are comfy and nice to sleep in if I need to reign things in. They would be great for woman that don’t have overly big breasts. So the lingerie made me feel good about myself, especially since I have to walk through the intimates department at Macy’s to get to my counter, and I know they don’t have anything in there that’s pretty AND in my size. And I can’t afford the plus size shops that have pretty bras for $80. Anyway…
I’m not sure if I mentioned this in any of my previous posts, but I was put on a great med for obsessive compulsive disorder called Luvox. It’s awesome. I was having such a hard time with obsessing and this completely wiped it out. I was also having some deep depression issues, and she put me on Depakote and it kicked the depression to the curb. So right now my meds are great. Doing great, feeling great, and I hope my tumblr friends are doing the same. I’m going to hang out here regularly from now on. You will be with me as I get through the winter, just like last year. So snuggle up in your sweater, come sit by the fire and let me pour you a cup of tea. What kind would you like? ;)
It’s me again. I need tumblr therapy in my life again. I’m binging and it’s out of control and I’ve packed on some weight. The good news is that I got an awesome job working as a Beauty Advisor at Macy’s and I will be on my feet more, walking around, getting some exercise. But I’ve gained weight and I’m sad about it. Yet I also don’t want to start any kind of “diet” until after the holidays because I want to enjoy everything. I’m so conflicted. More on it later. Just wanted to say hi to those of you I miss and I hope you are all doing well. I’ll be back around more now. Have a cup of tea for me and I’ll see you soon. *hugs*
Sorry I haven’t been around for a long while. Things have become overwhelming both good and bad. I can post more about it tonight but I just wanted you all to know that I never forgot about you, especially a few of you that are near and dear to my heart. I’ve been praying for you, and thinking of you. I still love you all!
Still eating bad. Still not getting enough exercise. I will be sober for 3 years in a few weeks, and I STILL am the same weight, doing the SAME stupid shit. I know I’ve been talking a lot about OA but now that I’m stable in AA, I need to do it. I’ve also been thinking of doing slim-fast again but I know that’s unhealthy. I dont know what to do. We have come into a TON of money through a circumstance that one day I will tell you all, but we get 10% of it right away to do what we want. Of course, we’re buying a house, but I keep thinking wow, I wish I could take some of that and go to a weight loss clinic. Oh well. That’s not what it’s for. We have to keep my son’s best interest in mind and a house is perfect.
In other news, I am in love with the new Daft Punk album (which I’m thinking everyone is - even my parents!) so I’ve been listening to all my albums by them. Do the kids these days even say album? I am actually going to watch the VMA’s this year just to see them perform. I’m not waiting until the next day to see it. I want to TALK ABOUT IT the next day.
Seth and I had met when Discovery had just come out (yes I’m that old ok) so we’ve always been fans. It’s so exciting to listen to something so beautiful. It pings a certain place on my soul, kind of like how Pink Floyd, Queen and ELO do. Those kinds of things remind you that you DO have a soul inside you. Where else would you feel these kinds of feelings? And NO I’m not high. LOL
Okay loves, I will be back tonight to discuss some things in life. Hope you are all well. Hugs all around <3
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Sorry I haven’t been around much. Battling this depression and I think I’ve finally got the upper hand. I’m on 1000mg of Depakote and because of that she had to lower my Lamictal to 225mg. Depakote makes the lamictal more concentrated in your bloodstream. Or some shit like that. 1mg of clonazepam at night which has been helping A LOT at night for my panic attacks. They haven’t been that bad at all. So I think there is some hope there.
I have a kidney stone that is quite large in my left kidney. I also have two small ones there and one in my right kidney. So the doctor has decided to blow them up via lithotripsy and I’m having it done next Wednesday. Basically they will use ultrasound to break it all up and I will pee out the fragments. I’ve had it done a few times before.
So my friend that was doing so well in 12 step relapsed right as she was getting her 90 days. Everyone worked soooo hard to keep her sober - my friend even let her move into her house to keep her sober. Everyone has pretty much been betrayed, at least in my eyes, and it sucks. A lot. But coming from a place in the program, I have to love her, and I have to talk recovery with her. The night we had girls night (Saturday) she called me earlier on and laughed about her relapse, making fun of it like we had gone out the night before, got wasted and it was soo funny that we drank so much and were so hung over. I didn’t find it funny in the slightest. I told her I had to go and I hung up. I called her to tear her a new one while on my way to girls night, but she didn’t pick up. I talked to my friend about it, and she said she’s going to al-anon to learn how to set boundaries and how to deal with someone that won’t get sober. Relapse girl shows up for a little bit, then gets up and says, “Well bye. And by the way, I relapsed.” What a weird way to say it. She hasn’t texted me in the last two days. I’m pretty sure she’s still drinking,.
So I gave her a task. My prep at the hospital is 11am-1pm and the procedure is at 1pm. She is going to pick me up and take me, and hang out with me while I am prepped for the surgery. She has offered to stay the entire time, but I don’t want that. Because then it will lead to her coming into my house and wanting to help me, and then her cooking dinner and I just don’t need it in my house. Seth will show up at like 12:45, tell her she can go home now and he’s just going to listen to his ipod until I’m out of the procedure. It was nice of her to offer, but she needs to realize that help is nice, but it can get overboard.
I need to do another 4th step. I have some new resentments I need to work out, and some of my resentments have changed.
As far as eating, it’s been difficult. The Seroquel and Depakote at night makes me super hungry. The other night I ate an entire container of powdered mini donuts. So I’m binging and right now I don’t care. So I guess I’m in a relapse of my own. I don’t care right now. I don’t care at all. I postponed my plans to start my low carb diet until after my stone thing is healed. I need to lose a bit of weight between now and August 31 - my friends wedding. Just a tiny amount. Most of the nice clothes in department stores stop at 16 and it would be nice to wear that. Not a tough goal if I get serious about it.
Miss you all. Love you all. Stay strong. <3
Also, I am going back to doing a low carb ketogenic diet. I was the happiest when I was doing it. I’m also gaining weight from the meds I’m on and I’m pissed off about it. I went up a pants size and my bathing suit was even a size bigger. It makes me sad. But I did very well low carb so that’s what I’m going for. No it’s not restriction, and no it’s not unhealthy if you do it right. I’ll be eating a TON of vegetables along with meat. No idea what Seth is going to do since he won’t eat meat. I made a chicken broccoli casserole last night and he picked out all the chicken. I don’t know. Anyhow, I’m excited to get started.
First my apologies to all of my tumblr friends. I may have mentioned this before, but I get into one of these things where I’m so busy doing other things, that I forget that I was doing something else and it gets put aside for a while. If that makes any sense at all.
I’ve been trying to cope with some serious mania. Got in a fight with Seth Sunday and my first reaction was to beat him. Of course I’m not going to do that so I just screamed at him at the top of my lungs, went into the bathroom and threw a whole bunch of shit at the shower wall (including a couple candle jars that shattered) and then cut myself. I’ve cut myself a few times now. No I’m not looking for sympathy or attention. You can’t see it. I do it to release everything I’m feeling inside.
Last week the new psych nurse put me on Depakote to try and take me down. Still taking the klonopin. Not sure if it’s working any. I might need hospitalization.
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